Canadian National Infertility Awareness Week...

I was asked by Jennie if I wanted to write a post for the often not talked about part of IF...CLNBC

CHILDLESS NOT BY CHOICE

I procrastinated all week, on not writing this, when it is something that should be talked about.

At the end of the IF/loss road, not everyone ends up with their "miracle" and it's a hard fucking pill to swallow. We are the ones that tend to get ignored, pitied and forgotten about by our friends especially by the ones made in the throws of IF & loss.

I came to be CLNBC, after a bit of a road, from a pregnancy loss, to starting down the road with a Reproductive Endocrinologist, who after viewing my blood work, sent me off to a geneticist where a genetic condition was found, called Alagillie Syndrome.

While having Alagille itself does not prevent you from having kids, some of the conditions that come with it can... 

In my case, CKD, Chronic Kidney Disease..... Due to the stage I am in, a pregnancy would cause my kidneys to fail even faster then they already are... So what about Adoption ?! That has be asked of me, and I always have a few things to say about it

It's not up to the infertile to adopt ! 

For some, it may not be the right choice for them for what ever reasons THEY choose! 

* It costs a lot.. Some may not want to burden themselves with the debt of it, or to try and raise the funds, and before you say it, going through CAS, unless your are willing to take on sibsets or special cases (special needs, drug addicted etc, older child) you could be waiting YEARS, I know this, because it was something we looked into

* some may not feel the call to raise a child that is not of their biology  

* Clearance, whether it's medical or police etc , some may not get it, I know I would not have been medically cleared... 

So that left us in the life we have now, which can be a landmine to lead, where well meaning people ask, "Why no kids" ?? 

In a world where being a parent seems like the only valuable thing, that not having a kid makes you the odd one out, like, when you are out with friends, and they start talking about how old each of their kids are, and you can only stand there awkwardly trying not to cry, because you wish you could join in... 

About learning a new life, where you it's you, your husband, the cats & the dog... 

About saying well lets make the most of it !  Of realizing, that all though life hasn't turned out the way you hoped, there is still life, and it's meant to be lived....

It has taken me a long time to get to ^^^That point, and there are still days/weeks/situations that hurt like a mutherfucker, I am still standing, and I am always willing to tell my story, because it is an integral part of me.

So.... We got a DOG !!

Her name is Marley, and we got her from a rescue in King City called Dog Tales http://www.dogtales.ca/ They do wonderful stuff there & the staff and owners are amazing !
We went on  Sunday Sept 6th (every Sunday they have an open house & you can go visit) we checked all the dogs, and they had just gotten a bunch in from Israel on the Thursday. We spent some time with Marley & another dog named Puma.

We talked to the owner, and Puma wouldn't work, because of the cats (He was a Japanese chin) we then put our names on the waiting list for Marley, as there was a few other families interested in her.
We left that not knowing if we would get her, but we would keep looking just in case, That next week we got a call on the Wednesday, asking if we were still interested in her and if we could come the next evening to visit...

OF COURSE ! So we took off after work on the Thursday, back up to King City, and met with Danielle the Owner, We went over everything, like who would walk her, what the cats are like, our house, any neighborhood parks, all that kind of stuff, they went & got Marley (Happy at the time) from her room, so we could spend time with her, and she remembered us ! We got a very friendly greeting & then we were left on our own to spend some time with her to see if we jived... And we did ! She was so good with us it reaffirmed our choice. After about an hr, we let them know that we wanted her for sure. They wanted her to go home with us but since we weren't 100% prepared & they wanted to have their vet tech check her over one more time, and give them another day to observe her behavior, we all decided, that picking her up Saturday am would be better.

Cork had to work that weekend, so, my mo (who helps with Marley) drove with me, to pick her up on Saturday Sept 12,

And what a month + it has been ! Marley is an amazing dog, she has great manners, walks beautifully on the leash, is just such a great dog, who ever had her before taught her well, so I think something happened to her owner & that's how she ended up on the streets, she shows no signs of a typical abandoned/shelter dog. The cats & her get along for the most part, they are still figuring out that relationship ! LOL
We figure she is 6-7 years old, about  30 lbs with some sort of hound in her! She loves to follow sniffing trails !

 

Derp...

I keep for getting about this poor neglected blog..
I am a horrid blogger. So time for a yearly update??
We went back to Jamaica again in Feb 2015, this time with my sister & her husband, we spent the week in Runaway Bay, at the Jewel Resorts, a few days at Jewel Runaway bay, and a few days a Jewels Paradise Cove, JPC is an Adult only, while JRB is the family one, and we liked the family one better ! It had a nice beach, great buffet & a nightly in house band that was great, the AO was... Lacking..

As for exploring, this time we went up to Nine Mile, the birthplace & final resting place of Bob Marley. It was a beautiful area, and yes we were asked if we wanted to purchase weed.. We declined.

We also got a new truck, we were hoping to wait until the the fall but the Explorer had other ideas, as the transmission was going (again ! We replaced it once already !) So C got the truck he wanted.

As for me ? I have been doing a few cards here & there, but nothing major. Health-wise ... Oye, here we go again with something new. I swear there is never a dull moment. For the last 6ish months, I have been having the odd joint pain, especially after I worked out, not the "oh I just worked out & my muscles are sore" pain, but deep down hurting like a MOFO joint pain, and then almost daily pain since we came back from Jamaica, cue my every 8 month appointment with Dr P (my Kidney dr), I told him about it & he got me in asap to the acute rhumetology clinic. I have had 2 appointments already, and other than a slight elevation of inflammation showing in my blood-work, my uric acid level is dangerously high, so right now I am being treated as having , gouty arthritis, I go back at the end of June, beginning of July, to see if the meds are helping, and if they aren't, or  cause more kidney issues, I am going off them & we will have to look at other treatments, possibly prednisone :/

As of this morning (3 days into treatment.. ) I hurt, I don't have high hopes for this. I asked if there was anything food or drink wise I need to eliminate and they said no.

Hopefully things improve before June, because there are 3 events that I would like to enjoy without pain, my aunt & uncle's 50th Anniversary party, me being a torch bearer for the Pan Am games, and finally the newest NKOTB concert ;)

That's all for now <3 p="">

I'm such a slacker !! We have been back from British Colombia for almost two months...
It was a trip, one  that I don't care to repeat like that again, due to family issues, and not being able to tour around like I would have wanted.

We stayed in Surrey , but day tripped to White Rock & Fort Langley. We took the ferry over to Vancouver Island, and stopped in Victoria and Tolfino, And stayed at the crappiest motels.. but I won't get into that. We then took another ferry back to Vancouver city. We were there for 2 weeks in total.

My favorite part, C  & I took off for the weekend on our own and drove to Seattle WA. We stayed at the Hotel Five on 5th Ave (Def recommend this hotel !), we had a great time wandering around, checking out Pike's Place Market, had Top Pot Donuts, and best of all, I got to meet 2 more TTCALers !!!! I met up with 2 ladies I have know for quite a while now, Chelsey & Cleo, we had a great lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. And of course once I found out that the retail store for A-Muse was in Seattle, I had to stop in & pick up some stamps !!

I would love to go back to BC one day & see it on my terms.

Since the trip, I had a Kidney appointment...

Everything is stable, which is good, however, I hurt myself, once I heard that I was stable again, for the 3 appointment in a row, I gave myself a tiny glimmer of hope, that my Dr may give us the OK, to try to get pregnant... NOPE  

Cue a couple of crappy days. oh well, life moves on.

That all in my world for now... 

Love,

So...

We decided to take a run over to the local animal shelter, just to see what was available, we had no plans to bring anything home, there was a plan to take a quick look & then head to the Library... Yeah. We came home with this sweetie
 
We have named her Smudge and she is about 6 months old, and she totally chose us..  She came up to me & started head butting me and was very affectionate, I had a feeling if we left without her I would regret it, and it has not been without tears, thinking about Moe, she has quite a few of his traits & some of his coloring. it's been hard because if Moe was still here, we wouldn't have been looking.

As for Bella, well it's an adjustment, she is obviously still hissing & growling, but hopefully it will settle down & they can start getting along & maybe snuggling soon....
 

Saying Good Bye to Moe

Today broke my heart.. our boy cat Moe, had been "off " for the last week or so, to the point he wasn't eating or drinking much of anything, we knew we had to take him in to see the Vet, since we had moved we took him to a new vet...

They examined him first & then did blood work & x-rays, the x-rays were not clear, there was something going on... His B/W showed a high white blood count and a high level of Calcium, which could possibly indicate Cancer.

The Vet asked our permission to investigate further, and called in a Ultrasound Tech, he was there in less than 15 mins, we stood there (me petting Moe's head) while the tech started.. Almost immediately he said "prep for surgery" there was a foreign object in his stomach, things didn't look right. The decision was made to do exploratory surgery and either they would find the blockage, remove it & Moe would come home in a day or 2, or it would be bad & would need to say goodbye..

A few minutes after they started, they called us in to the back, they had him open & wanted to show us ***graphic warning !!**


His poor little body, his whole GI tract was covered in a very fast moving Cancer tumors, they urged us to say goodbye, if we were lucky we might have had a few days more with him.

I can honestly say I flipped, I was going to have to say Goodbye to my stinky butt, my baby boy, my headbutter, the one who follows me into the bathroom all the time....

They covered up the incision, and we came back in to be with him while we let him go.

We got Moe at 6 months old from a rescue, he was quite the jumper, he will missed so much..

End of 2013

Wow, I am so bad at keeping up my blog..

The last few months of 2013 have flown by ! I have begun a new venture, I got into card making a while ago, I love making Custom  cards for people ! So going on that theme, I went to the big Creativ Festival that is held twice a year here, and signed up to be a Stampin Up Demonstrator ! I love their stuff ! I am planning to do an  Open House sometime in Jan to start things off & then go from there.

 https://www.facebook.com/pages/Signed-Sealed-Delivered/449974231740884?bookmark_t=page#


We went on our last trip of the year.. To Montego Bay Jamaica.  LOVED IT !! It was one of the best trips we have been on, not because of a "fancy room" or anything like that ( the rooms were decent !) but because of the people & the vibe ! We met some of the warmest, welcoming people. The beach was beautiful & the countryside was so lush & green. We have plans to go back in 2 years for our 10th wedding anniversary !

I am hoping 2014 treats everyone well <3 p="">

The past few weeks have been kinda crappy in the TTCAL world for my friends, I just want to shake a higher being and say "WHAT THE FUCK !!!!"

My friend Jennie had her 3 loss, I found out after work, when I checked my phone after work, I turned to Cork, with tears & said, this universe sucks..

Then on Tues morning, I woke up to a message from my friend Amy, she asked her H to message me & another friend, that after having her rainbow baby on Sept 18th, her little boy Finn passed away from a sudden & tragic accident at 11 days old.. Cork came downstairs to find me in tears, and I just looked at him & asked him "WHY ???"


My heart hurts...

Blah blah blah.. That's just how I'm feeling lately.

Work is annoying me, I am feeling really undervalued :/

But I did take a big step on something else in my life, I finally got my G1 Driver's Licence.. Here in Ontario, they do a graduated system, you get your G1, have that for 8- to a year, then you get your G2 for a year or more, then you finally get your full licence.

Other than that not much has been going on in the Wicked household...

End of june..

I have been ok lately..

I did a FB friend cleanse, I defriended some people, some were Ladies from TB, I don't feel bad about it.. The way I looked at it was, if you haven't bothered to say anything to me in the last while, esp. with all the Dr's visits , then you didn't need to be my FB friend. That and I had a feeling some people were telling others about what I was saying. Yes I know this is public blah blah blah but my FB is set to private, so that only friends can see things..

No real changes to anything right now, still at stage 3 :/

I met up with old friends to see New Kids on The Block on June 7th, and I am going again on July 28th, this time with my sister Julie and Lauren again  !! I love hanging out with my friend Lauren, we have known each other since elementary school, her and her wife are Fab ! I love seeing these guys in concert !

Me and C did a last minute getaway to Niagara Falls recently & we went to Niagara On the Lake, I definitely want to go back to NOTL & do a few wine tours..

Well we have another trip booked ! This time to Jamaica, more specifically to Montego Bay, I can't wait, sun, warmth, beach & drinks !! This will be an anniversary/birthday trip in Nov.

This is my heart yet again...

After the Kidney diagnosis, we had decided to Adopt ! That was all fine & dandy until today...

I had an urgent (meaning almost 2 month wait) to see my Kidney dr, because of my episode in Jan with my Blood pressure.

Fuck this shit ! My fuction went down again.. I am now in stage 3, can't get Pg on my own, and Adoption talk is off.. I can't in good concious try & bring a child in to my home knowing that I am not in the best health.

So.. Umm yeah, we decided to look into Adoption !!!  It was a hard decision to come to, but with everything else going on & the fact that my cycles are getting lonnnger (50 + days) , that we decided to look into adopting through Children's Aid, which is like adopting through social services in the US.

I am looking at it, that we would be able to give a child a loving home, that they might not be otherwise able to have.

we decided that we are comfortable with ages birth to 1 1/2 years old. I can't wait, it has actually made me excited again ! And TTCing was not doing that, I was getting more frustrated than anything, that my body was not co-operating ! This takes my body (other than the medical stuff required for our homestudy) out of the equation, am I sad that I won't have a Bio child or experience child birth ?? Yes, but in the grand scheme of things I want to be a mother most of all, and this will get us there.

It will take time, tears & effort, but it WILL be worth it in the end !

It starts in 2009, when after our loss in 2008, my family Dr wanted us to start with a fertility Dr, as it had taken us a year and a half to get pg the first time.
In May of 2009, I ended up with some weird pain, paralyzing stuff going on ( ended up paralyzed from the thigh down on my right side), so instead of starting with an RE, I ended up at a Neurosurgeon's and a Neurologist, being told I needed spinal surgery, a disc in my back had ruptured and was pressing on my spinal cord & I needed surgery ASAP, that happened in July 2009, they removed the disc, fused the 2 vertebrae, put in 2 steel rods and 4 metal screws. We were told to wait 6 months before TTCing, and that was fine.

In Jan of 2010 we were finally able to see the RE ! We though great, shouldn't take much, i was charting, and other than ovulating around CD18-19 I though , OK, this shouldn't take much.. However, the RE saw me & thought I might have a genetic issue, so she wanted to investigate that first, she did a U/S, which looked OK, and then pulled the usual B/W, and that's where things went down hill...

She noticed that my Creatine levels were reallllly off which suggested a Kidney issue, she then refereed me out to one of the larger Genetic clinics in Toronto.

From there, she pretty much told me unless I got the all clear from the geneticist, she would not work with me.

I then met with my wonderful Geneticist & her wonderful staff, they started off by sending me for an abdominal U/S, which showed issues, and they pulled lots of different B/W for different genetic testing. She then refereed my to my Nephrologist who in Dec 2010 diagnosed me with ending of stage 2 beginning of stage 3 Kidney disease, and at that point he told me that I should not get Pg, as everything was very unstable.

Working with him & my family Dr, we got my Blood Pressure under control, which helped stabilize my Kidneys, which actually improved their function back up to stage 2, which just requires monitoring , Blood pressure control, and a lower sodium diet (which is reallllly hard for me because I LOVE Salt)

My actual condition is 3 fold, my kidneys are a lot smaller than normal, they are filled with scar tissue, and the Tubules are blocked (they are the little tubes in your kidneys that help filter).

So in Sept of this year when I saw him, he deemed everything stable, and gave his blessing to TTC, with the caveat, of NO fertility drugs,or treatment etc. as he believes that they will affect my kidney levels & make them unstable, and he does not want to risk that, along with the additional issues being Pg will cause.

And as for the Geneticist.. She is still playing with my blood !! She believes that she has found something that would put a name to all the issues that both me & my sister have (that's a whole another book) it is called Alagille Syndrome, which is not really a concern, but they will do genetic testing if I ever get Pg, if I want.

And that is it..

Anything else, just ask !

 

Lest We Forget...

So today is my Birthday Woo HOO !
The one memory I always have of my birthday growing up, is the Remembrance Day Ceremonies at school, and how it always deeply touched me, The sacrifice of so many Canadian Forces so that I could have my freedom....


In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie,
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

I.Can't.Breath.

I can't breath... I am struggling right now, I am still unemployed and it is weighting  heavy on me, I hate it, I have had a few interviews, even 2nd interviews at 2 places, and still nothing. I HATE IT DAMMIT !!

This cycle crushed me, I had my hopes up to damn high and they got blown out of the water this morning with a BFN, I just want to curl up and cry... About everything....

I feel so overwhelmed, I.can't.breath.

Testing ...

Well that's life..

Thing can never be quiet in this family....

I got laid off.... Yup it sucks, so I am job hunting once again...

My dear sister scared the crap out of us by being admitted to the hospital, with sky-high Blood Pressure and low heart rate... Thanks !!! I don't know what I would do if I lost her, She is my best friend. She will be there for a few more days, until they figure everything out.

But alas I don't think she's going to keel over anytime soon.

I have not heard from Mount Sinai yet... big surprise there.

I have not heard from K, so I gather she was pissed at my email.. oh well no big loss there.

I went to the inaugural meeting of the Toronto Face2Face group , WOW what a wonderful group of extraordinaire ladies, their stories were heart breaking, mine felt so insignificant compared to most of them, but they nonetheless treated me the same. I hope we can do this once a month.

One day I will tell my story on here, I'm just not sure when, maybe in May...

Well I guess I should Update...

Ahh a New Year....

Same shit different year...

We finally saw an Re in January, uhhh yeah... She thinks I have Turner's syndrome.. fun times, we are waiting on the genetic  results, they should be in by June (Yes Canada is fucking slow at this stuff) She pulled other B/W, everything seems to be OK, except... My creatine/ kidney function again... She wants to get me into the high-risk program at Mount Sinai in Toronto to do a work up first before we get PG, I finally found out from them (after bugging them for an appointment date) that MS will personally be contacting me with an appointment, IN A FEW MONTHS !!! She would prefer that we "not try" but she would be OK with us if we got PG on our own in the mean time.

Cork and I talked, we decided, Fuck it,  we didn't want to wait, so we are trying on our own again... Hopefully it will happen soon, I'm not counting on it though.

Me and K had a falling out, after a lot of BS, including her not calling after she had her LO, and a few disrespectful & hurtful remarks, I sent her an email telling her how I felt.
Surprise surprise, she never answered me..

Other than that , not much going on in my world.

Take care & love you all !

Michelle

Sorry It has been so Long......

Wow, umm I have been a really bad blogger....

Work has been going good, boring & quiet but OK.

We went away again... LOL , back to Mexico & the Riviera Maya.
This time we stayed at the Gran Bahia Principe Akumal, very nice resort on a big complex, with 2 other resorts that we had access to, The Coba & Tulum.

Katie has gone back home to Texas, so we didn't see her again, but we did meet up with another Bumpie, who was staying at Akumal w/ her Hubby & her family who stayed at Coba.

Kelin & Kevin were very nice & we spent a bit of time with them over the week we were there. We joined them on an excursion on day.... Wow it was a great day !

First we all met for breakfast, then headed out to meet our private tour guide from Edventures,
first stop was the Mayan ruins of Tulum & the awesome beach there (Cork LOVED it ! ), then we headed to Dos Ojos (two eyes) where we went snorkeling in the underground Cenotes, apparently I am a natural at this..., then we went to Akumal Bay, where some of us went snorkeling with the Sea Turtles, that was really cool ! (the turtles reminded me of the turtle from Finding Nemo), Then came lunch at a beach side restaurant in Akumal Bay, (chicken Quesadias anyone ?), then we headed out to Yal-Ku which is a spring feed lagoon that also gets saltwater from the ocean, loads of tropical fish there !

It was a great day ! Then Friday night we had drinks & dinner with the whole group, and had a great time. Saturday night we met up with Kelin & Kevin for the last time & had drinks before saying good-bye....

At this resort we got 3 Ala-cart dinners, our first was at Portofino (Italian) was pretty good, then we went to Arlequin (International) was great ! beautifully presented ! the last was Gran Tortuga (Brazilian) was def. different ! The rest of the time we eat at the Buffet which was decent...

I wanted to stay & not come back....I love it there.

It was nice to get some warm Caribbean Sun....and spend time with Cork

Take Care

Michelle

Sorry It has been awhile...

I finally got working again !

I started off Aug 16 th until Oct 8 th thru AppleOne (an agency) Working for Davis & Henderson , working in the student loans dept. , it was a great experince... I had an interview for a small place & the next day they called to offer me a job...

So I am now a part time customer care associate for Sears/QV realty.... so far so good....

Other than that not much else has been going on...
I had lunch in Buffalo a few weeks ago, and met a few more lovely ladies from the Bump...
Cashewsmommy (Stephanie) AGF (Anne) and JayandTay (Taylor)...

Nothing new on the baby front.... same old same old...

Take Care

Michelle