This is my heart yet again...

After the Kidney diagnosis, we had decided to Adopt ! That was all fine & dandy until today...

I had an urgent (meaning almost 2 month wait) to see my Kidney dr, because of my episode in Jan with my Blood pressure.

Fuck this shit ! My fuction went down again.. I am now in stage 3, can't get Pg on my own, and Adoption talk is off.. I can't in good concious try & bring a child in to my home knowing that I am not in the best health.

So.. Umm yeah, we decided to look into Adoption !!!  It was a hard decision to come to, but with everything else going on & the fact that my cycles are getting lonnnger (50 + days) , that we decided to look into adopting through Children's Aid, which is like adopting through social services in the US.

I am looking at it, that we would be able to give a child a loving home, that they might not be otherwise able to have.

we decided that we are comfortable with ages birth to 1 1/2 years old. I can't wait, it has actually made me excited again ! And TTCing was not doing that, I was getting more frustrated than anything, that my body was not co-operating ! This takes my body (other than the medical stuff required for our homestudy) out of the equation, am I sad that I won't have a Bio child or experience child birth ?? Yes, but in the grand scheme of things I want to be a mother most of all, and this will get us there.

It will take time, tears & effort, but it WILL be worth it in the end !

It starts in 2009, when after our loss in 2008, my family Dr wanted us to start with a fertility Dr, as it had taken us a year and a half to get pg the first time.
In May of 2009, I ended up with some weird pain, paralyzing stuff going on ( ended up paralyzed from the thigh down on my right side), so instead of starting with an RE, I ended up at a Neurosurgeon's and a Neurologist, being told I needed spinal surgery, a disc in my back had ruptured and was pressing on my spinal cord & I needed surgery ASAP, that happened in July 2009, they removed the disc, fused the 2 vertebrae, put in 2 steel rods and 4 metal screws. We were told to wait 6 months before TTCing, and that was fine.

In Jan of 2010 we were finally able to see the RE ! We though great, shouldn't take much, i was charting, and other than ovulating around CD18-19 I though , OK, this shouldn't take much.. However, the RE saw me & thought I might have a genetic issue, so she wanted to investigate that first, she did a U/S, which looked OK, and then pulled the usual B/W, and that's where things went down hill...

She noticed that my Creatine levels were reallllly off which suggested a Kidney issue, she then refereed me out to one of the larger Genetic clinics in Toronto.

From there, she pretty much told me unless I got the all clear from the geneticist, she would not work with me.

I then met with my wonderful Geneticist & her wonderful staff, they started off by sending me for an abdominal U/S, which showed issues, and they pulled lots of different B/W for different genetic testing. She then refereed my to my Nephrologist who in Dec 2010 diagnosed me with ending of stage 2 beginning of stage 3 Kidney disease, and at that point he told me that I should not get Pg, as everything was very unstable.

Working with him & my family Dr, we got my Blood Pressure under control, which helped stabilize my Kidneys, which actually improved their function back up to stage 2, which just requires monitoring , Blood pressure control, and a lower sodium diet (which is reallllly hard for me because I LOVE Salt)

My actual condition is 3 fold, my kidneys are a lot smaller than normal, they are filled with scar tissue, and the Tubules are blocked (they are the little tubes in your kidneys that help filter).

So in Sept of this year when I saw him, he deemed everything stable, and gave his blessing to TTC, with the caveat, of NO fertility drugs,or treatment etc. as he believes that they will affect my kidney levels & make them unstable, and he does not want to risk that, along with the additional issues being Pg will cause.

And as for the Geneticist.. She is still playing with my blood !! She believes that she has found something that would put a name to all the issues that both me & my sister have (that's a whole another book) it is called Alagille Syndrome, which is not really a concern, but they will do genetic testing if I ever get Pg, if I want.

And that is it..

Anything else, just ask !

 

Lest We Forget...

So today is my Birthday Woo HOO !
The one memory I always have of my birthday growing up, is the Remembrance Day Ceremonies at school, and how it always deeply touched me, The sacrifice of so many Canadian Forces so that I could have my freedom....


In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie,
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

I.Can't.Breath.

I can't breath... I am struggling right now, I am still unemployed and it is weighting  heavy on me, I hate it, I have had a few interviews, even 2nd interviews at 2 places, and still nothing. I HATE IT DAMMIT !!

This cycle crushed me, I had my hopes up to damn high and they got blown out of the water this morning with a BFN, I just want to curl up and cry... About everything....

I feel so overwhelmed, I.can't.breath.

Testing ...

Well that's life..

Thing can never be quiet in this family....

I got laid off.... Yup it sucks, so I am job hunting once again...

My dear sister scared the crap out of us by being admitted to the hospital, with sky-high Blood Pressure and low heart rate... Thanks !!! I don't know what I would do if I lost her, She is my best friend. She will be there for a few more days, until they figure everything out.

But alas I don't think she's going to keel over anytime soon.

I have not heard from Mount Sinai yet... big surprise there.

I have not heard from K, so I gather she was pissed at my email.. oh well no big loss there.

I went to the inaugural meeting of the Toronto Face2Face group , WOW what a wonderful group of extraordinaire ladies, their stories were heart breaking, mine felt so insignificant compared to most of them, but they nonetheless treated me the same. I hope we can do this once a month.

One day I will tell my story on here, I'm just not sure when, maybe in May...